Your Heart was My Heart

The day a loved one dies is surreal and indescribable. Although grief affects our memory, I can still remember every detail of that day, and the hum that filled my body like a distant roar. It felt like an amputation, and it was like I flatlined with him. The time that followed was excruciating, painful, cruel, and I wondered how anybody survives? Yet people go through it every single day, and somehow most of us survive, and some of us even go on to have happy, meaningful lives again.

I know Jack would have wanted me to live, to love and to be happy again, and I have, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten. How could I? He taught me to live fully, and without regrets. He also reminded me of the importance of being present in my life, and although that is something I still at times struggle with, it is a lesson I’ll never forget. Today is eight years since he left, and although my heart is heavy, it is also filled with gratitude for the time we were granted, the love and happiness we shared. I’ve learned important lessons since he’s been gone, lessons I might otherwise not have taken to heart, and I am forever grateful for both the days of joy, and the days of pain that accompany all deep life experiences.

The poem below is for anyone who has ever lost a loved one. I cannot promise you an end to your pain or new beginnings, but I pray that you will find peace, and a soft place to land in your memories.

We are the lucky ones, the ones who have loved deeply! Love is a blessing, although it may seem like a curse that day we lose the one we love. Yet, would you choose away the love for fear of the pain?  I think not. “… love is the only survival, the only meaning.” – Thornton Wilder

 

Your Heart was My Heart

The sun rises,
but the mind doesn’t want to awaken…
Every move is an effort, every word a struggle, and
life itself is like navigating through blackness.
Yet the heart beats,
the body still alive;
how can that be?
How come I didn’t die with you?

Our hearts were linked,
beating in the same rhythm,
rejoicing in the love
radiating from the other.
Now where is the mirror, where the joy?
Where the meaning of anything?

My wish may be
not to be
but the body still goes on
carving a path through time,
a path stretching out endlessly
through meaningless days.
What do you want from me life?
What do you want from me death?

The ultimate abandonment,
in its cruelty
taking what I hold most dear,
leaving me struggling to breathe,
dragging myself through days and hours
dressed in pain, and confusion.

The mind refuses to accept,
the heart struggles to believe,
because I can still hear your voice,
see your smile,
feel your embrace –
yet you are no more…

Your heart was my heart,
your smile my home!
How come my heart is still beating
while yours stopped?

 

Featured image by Monica